Attracted to 2 Genders ... Married to 1 Person?

So I got to talking with some friends today and the question was raised: Can someone who is bi- be in a committed relationship with one person? Say this bi-sexual being is a female (because, let's face it, my point of view rarely varies to the male point of view). If she decides to marry a man, is she now straight? Ok, ok... maybe she's actually loyal to him and doesn't cheat, a rarity in this day and age, I agree. But let's just say, for the sake of this debate, that she is, indeed, faithful. Is she straight because she married a man and will never again be with a female? What if she still has sexual fantasies about females, but just doesn't act on them? Is that what makes the difference? After raising this question to one of my guy friends - 'Can someone who is bi- ever be in a committed relationship with just one person?' - his response was - 'Maybe people can just be content with being with one person'.  Ok, ok. I get it. But for me, I'm not so sure I can ever really be content with one person, and one person only.  Maybe it's partly due to the fact that it took me approximately 20 years of my life to realize I was bi-sexual (and that is definitely a whole other debate for another day!!).  Maybe I want to make up for lost time. I'm not sure, but for me : 2 attractive genders > (is greater than) 1 committed relationship : therefore, not = (equal).

Gay or Straight or Something In Between?

I've been in the process of re-watching the first 4 seasons of "Orange is the New Black" in preparation for the June 9th release of season 5. I rediscovered the idea of sexual orientation as a spectrum, which I 100% agree with. There, of course, are people who are stuck at the far ends of the spectrum, whether it be at the 'straight' end or the 'gay' end. I don't, however, believe that everyone else falls directly at the midpoint. Even though I do believe that there are people at the bookends of the spectrum, I think that where everyone else falls varies somewhere in the vast middle portion. I think a lot of people who identify as 'straight' are not necessarily located at the very end of the spectrum, but rather in the realm of that section on the spectrum. Do I think some people are 100% straight? Absolutely. I just believe that the majority are not. I also think that you can change locations on this spectrum. If you start out at one location when you are, say, fifteen, who's to say you'll be in the same locale at fifty? I also believe that there are many people that just tend to fall for a person regardless of gender - so they fall in love with the person and not the gender itself. I am extremely too sexualized (if I have lacked to make that evident in my earlier posts) and therefore have no idea where someone would fall if they identify as 'asexual'. Or maybe they have simply fallen OFF the spectrum completely. I was also recently introduced to the term 'pansexual' in a book I've been reading (yes, I read quite a bit - soaking up information like a sponge). This term, as I have found, seems to be an extension/more detailed version of 'bisexual' - prefix "bi-" indicating two sexes that you are attracted to. But pansexual takes us to a whole new level, confirming for us that there are not just 2 genders anymore (As LGBT extends its acronym, adding more letters, it further justifies that times are indeed changing). Correct me if I'm wrong, but "pansexual" seems to encompass just that - being (potentially) attracted to everyone (which I feel I am more able to relate to than being sexually attracted to no one or "asexual"). I will revisit this idea at a later time after I have researched it further.

The Chicken vs. Egg Debate: Solved?

Ok, so last weekend I, obviously lacking in the exciting personal life department, watched the 3-hour subtitled (oh, yes, don't get me started on THAT again!) movie "Blue is the Warmest Color". I wasn't originally tempted to watch this as I was scrolling through potential movies to watch on Netflix, but after reading a novel on my Kindle app, I changed my mind. (What made me change my mind, you ask? Well, this book nodded to the fact that the movie included an intense female-female sex scene - what additional coaxing did I need?) And the book did not lie. An intense scene, indeed. Enough to make me want to watch it again this weekend (so far, I have resisted the urge), 3 hours of subtitles and all. Now typically I am into very feminine women (brunettes with long wavy hair, Hispanic is a bonus), but yesterday I was grocery shopping and I noticed this woman as I was on my way out of the store. She was definitely a lot less feminine (some would say 'butch') than I typically am attracted to, but I found myself wishing I'd slip and fall as I walked past her in the hopes that she would help me back up.  Don't get me wrong, a broken leg would also give me some time off work, but do I really want to be laid up during my favorite season (pool, flip flops, sunscreen) just to meet some woman? Hmm. That may be a whole other debate for another day. But back to my previous post, in which I propose the debate about sexual desires being influenced by movies: did watching this movie last weekend cause me to check out this woman yesterday, who I normally would not have looked twice at? Or did the movie just bring out feelings that already existed? Could I really have suppressed feelings for over thirty years? This brings up similar questions regarding my sexual orientation. But we will save that for another day! 

Heterosexual or Subtitle?

I noticed recently, as I was scrolling through the movie titles on Netflix, that a good portion of the non-heterosexual movies on there have subtitles. So I am wondering: are there a higher percentage of foreign films that include gay/lesbian stories?  Are other countries more liberal in terms of sexuality, as compared to the US? I just found it fascinating that if you're gay, you're pretty much forced to READ to enjoy a good romance movie. If I wasn't so visual, I'd stick solely to books!

Sexual Desires: Influenced by Media?

I've been pondering the basis of human desires and how they are related to or effected by the media or material we read. Are we born with the chemical makeup that provides us with certain sexual needs and desires, or are they easily influenced by what we read and watch? For instance, we had this whole "Twilight" obsession and a fascination for vampires. Did this craze push me toward my "biting" fetish, or was I seeking out comfort in these movies/books because I already had these desires within me and wanted to explore them further? The same question arises when we examine my sexual orientation/preference. Does watching "The L Word" make me want to explore my options with women, or was the reason I was dying to get home every day to finish Season 6 (which, btw, left me totally unsatisfied in the end) because it was relatable? Having the sexual orientation that I do, which I often refer to as "I don't discriminate", but others refer to as "bi-sexual", I often prefer men over women, or vice versa, depending on my current mood. I also notice that I tend to read more novels involving man-woman relationships or woman-woman relationships depending on this current mood. And the same goes for movies, etc. So I wonder if I seek out specific leisure activities based on my current sexual desires, or if those books and movies guide the gender in which I'm currently most attracted to. It's like the old chicken and egg debacle: which came first? So the question remains; which came first: my desire or the force that drives it?

Intro., sort of.

Being Strong has always been super important to me. I am the glue that holds my family and friends together. I've taken great pride in this; keeping the peace in my daily life, personally and in my career, has always come naturally to me. Sometimes I tell people what they want to hear, and sometimes I tell them what needs to be said. And with compassion. I'm known for being honest, with family, with friends, with colleagues. So why is it so difficult for me to be honest with myself? When the big questions arise, and emotions are involved, I tend to rely on what have become known as my "easy answers"; those half-truths that still keep me honest with others, but disguise the real truth from myself. Am I that fragile that I cannot handle it? Do I think that the other person involved is that fragile? Or is it something deeper, something darker? A fear, perhaps, of something unknown.